The Lesbian Christmas Movie (and Other Things that just Don’t Exist) by Cassie Nova
Oh sure you may know me as Cassie Nova, lover and admirer of women everywhere (although my heart belongs to one in particular); yet whenever the Yuletide season rolls around, I morph magically into the Ghost of Christmas Pissed.
That’s right. Whenever Christmas time rolls around, I lament the fact that we, as queer women, have absolutely no Christmas movies made just for us. I mean, can you think of a single one? I sure can’t, and I for one am good and sick of the entire LGBT population getting (sorry, I just have to say it) scrooged over this time of year.
I’ve always been of the belief that, when you want something done right, do it yourself. So with that in mind, I propose a totally satirical and unproduceable list of Yuletide features that feature lesbian characters and themes.
Desert Holly—Vivian gives Cay what she REALLY wants for Christmas. A lot of artsy camera angles and masterfully poetic dialogue ensues.
Christmas Carol—Based on the classic novel The Price of Salted Ham, this motion picture centers around a frustrated retail worker finds a most interesting way to deal with the frustration of the Christmas rush.
Silver and Gold Are the Warmest Colors—I mean, regardless of what it’s about, it has to be better than the original.
Kissing Jessica Stein Under the Mistletoe—Jessica spends the entire movie going back and forth on what she really wants for Christmas. And we lucky viewers get to watch.
Personal Even Better—If you’ve been really good this year, you get to sit on Santa’s lap. If you have been even better, you get to sit on Mariel Hemingway’s.
When the Night Before Christmas is Falling—An uptight and repressed woman attends this year’s Christmas carnival, only to meet up with one beautiful Christmas angel that is anything but!
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From all of us at Sapphic Fiction, have a joyful holiday season!